Gak! I made it up to express disgust and to avoid using a cuss word in front of my kids.

For some reason, all the kids are getting out early, even though there is no ice on the ground yet. All of my clients except one canceled (all are after school kids) so I rescheduled the one, and I am at home snuggling with the dog.

It's been over a year since I posted in LJ. I have a permanent account, so I think my journal  was just waiting for me to come out of the weirdness I've been in for a long time. Or maybe my posting is the weirdness and then I will go back to being as I was---unable to express my feelings in written form. Frozen at the point at which my thoughts are at the door of my internal home because it is cold and scary outside.

My little boy is 17 today.  His big brother did not live past the age of 16, but he would be 21 if he were alive.

Last night we went out to dinner to celebrate Will's birthday. He would have been 20 and in college. We had a great family discussion--not about Will, but about what is going on in Andrew's life. I have also been able to remember him, cry a little, and then still look forward. I still sometimes feel the horrible aching in my heart, but Will is taken care of. I have to take care of those of us who are here.

We are all glad he was born and grateful we knew him.

When I was about six or seven, we rented a beach house on the coast of South Carolina to visit with my father's side of the family. I was probably the oldest child there (I was the oldest cousin by far; my brother was only four) so I relied on the adults to entertain me. My aunt brought her poodle, and the poodle entertained me by giving birth that week. The puppies were premature, and my aunt allowed me to help her take care of them. We washed them carefully in warm water and bundled them in towels, and I was so proud to be able to help. Unfortunately, I think most of the puppies did not make it. They were so very tiny, even fitting in my small hands. They were too weak to eat from their mother. But I do remember that I was glad that my aunt let me help.

My Aunt Cisi died yesterday. She was my father's sister, the only aunt I had who was not an aunt by marriage. I had not seen her since my grandmother died and I went to the funeral, pregnant with Andrew. She had been in an assisted living facility for several years because of her arthritis. I had thought of sending her a card this year. I wish I had thought of it earlier.

I haven't posted in way too long. Life and responsibilities get in the way.

I have always thought of the beginning of the school year as my January 1st--the time to make changes and renew projects. My schedule at work chages so much, our schedule at home changes, so why not my ideas? Even though since WIll died I dread the slippery slope into the "Holiday Season." (I just KNOW I will see some Christmas decorations as soon as Labor Day is over!) I am making some positive planns that I hope will counter balance the commercial spirit.

I am planning a booth at my church for the Alternative Gift market to raise funds for our AED purchasing/ CPR training program. I am a Care Minister and since I joined, a group of use have worked on on a project to get AEDs and teach classes in CPR and AED use to members as well as the community. Our Alternative Gift Market is a cool opportunity to buy "gifts" for friends and family who already have too many things by donating to charities in their honor. I have been buying gifts for my family there ever since WIll died. I have given chickens and sheep from the Heifer project, a stove for people in Guatemala, and a bed from Bed Start. The Bed Start program is one for children in Plano who don't have beds to sleep in.

I also have been networking with different Heart related support groups in our area. One of them is the American Heart Association. In the past, the AHA has never been particularly interested in providing information and support to parents of children with congenital heart disease. THey are slowly trying now to reach out. Of course, there is some bad feeling out there, and parent groups who have been struggling for recognition for years are not necessarily interested in their help. However, I think we should see if we can figure out how to try and take andvantage of their rescources because they are a powerful and well known organization and they can help get some attention to the fact that CHD kills more kids that childhood cancer. The AHA headquarters is Dallas, so I am hoping I can talk to some high level honchos.

I am excited, and I hope that my slowly improving health (I survived my surgery!) can give me the energy to keeep going.

I'm not sure why I volunteered to teach and bring snacks on the Sunday after Andrew came home from his mission trip. I knew they were not supposed to be back until 11, and that the last HP book would be out the same day (and I would have to read it before he got home). I guess I should have remembered that they would be late. I did not get to bed until two, but I was glad I was there to see him. He was sunburned and had grown, and in his tired happiness to be home he chatted and let me hug him.

This morning the sun woke me up at six-fifteen, and the animals made sure I stayed awake to perform the morning chores. I decided to run over to the bagel store to get the snacks, and I saw two hot air ballons launching on the way, because it was a perfect morning. Andrew was home and all was right in the new world. The world without Will.

Here is a picture of the new flowers we placed on Will's grave for the summer. A vast improvement  over what we found there when we arrived. (See last post for details).

Saturday, I was supposed to go across town early in the morning and pick up a free AED. However, the Company rep said he could meet me later instead AND that he could give me an extra AED to give to our Mexico mission.  He made my weekend.  Because instead of driving an hour midway between Dallas and Fort Worth, I went to lunch and to go see Spiderman 3 with the men in my life. It was the first time in many months I can remember us doing something together for that many hours in a row. 

We got to the theater early and played video games. Andrew and Bruce tried to get me a Spiderman doll, but those machines are not rigged to let you get their prizes. Andrew and Bruce played some air hockey. Surprisingly, there wasn't a line because everyone was lining up for the DLP version. Andrew ran back to the arcade while we saved him a seat, and about ten minutes later he came back with a teddy bear and a Spidey doll. What a guy!

We took summer flowers to Will's grave today--red white and blue with a flag for the summer holidays. The previous flowers were a little faded and wet from the bad storms. There was an odd looking lady bug pinwheel flag looking thing stuck in his vase, too. We have no idea who stuck that in there.  The only thing we have ever found there before has been a St. Michael card.  I feel so protective of his grave, that I really don't want people sticking things there that I don't know about. Especially people that I don't know. I guess I need to inspect it more often. 

Apparently, it takes two parents to drop a kid off for choir tour. One to take him and stay until he is on the bus, and one to go back home for the things he left at home. A has been more excited about the tour as the practices intensified, and I hope he will enjoy himself even though he continues to claim he has no friends there. Our choir director has done this for years, and one of his goals is for everyone to get to know evertyone else. So he makes the kids sit with people they don't know, and has games like : Get signatures from everyone in your group before the first stop, and to get a signature, you have to have a 4+ sentence conversation. 

I am trying to keep my chin up and not worry too much, even though I know about the worst that can happen. They have a home concert on Sunday, and I am looking forward to it for multiple reasons.

I have been unable to write for the past month. I am still working with some of the same struggles as I always have, but I have not been able to write about it. I still don't really feel like it. I don't want to delete my journal, though, because it has been there for me whenever I need to go back to it. Perhaps I just shouldn't be talking about myself right now.

Will's friends sent me some lovely flowers on his graduation day with a card that said "We remember." I burst into tears after seeing it, because I am always so touched when his friends remember him.

In other news--I will soon be a proud CPAP owner. I had my second sleep study last night using a CPAP. I slept really well and felt great today. I get my machine on Monday. I can't wait! I think I will feel much better in general and be able to deal with all the other crap more easily.

I know you would have made us proud today if you had graduated.

I thought taking the dog to the vet was tough, but that was just a preliminary bout.

We attempted to get Apollo and Alice, the two cats, into carriers for their vet trip. We thought we were being crafty because we could get Apollo into a crate by himself. He was downstairs on a kitchen chair, and I went upstairs to get the crate while B (aka dwerkin) stood guard. As soon as that cat heard the crate being lifted, he took off like a flash. Apollo is as dumb as a post except when it comes to running and hiding.

A cat trek ensued. We cornered him several times, only to have him slip from our grasp. I finally chased him to my office, where A stood to catch him with the crate. Arnold was helping, always ready to harass a cat. Apollo dashed out from behind a chair, and Arnold pushed him back before Apollo could escape down the hall. However, he took off. A held the crate and moved it back and forth quickly in a frantic attempt to block Apollo's path and try to scoop him up. The crafty cat leaped on top of the crate and streaked past. We never came close again. We did get Alice in a crate, and she behaved very well at the vet.

Next week we will try again. Our vet advised using a pillowcase to catch him. I want to use a gun. OK, a tranquilizer gun.

A and I took Arnold to the vet today. Arnold had a lot of fun on the ride over; he has decided he likes car rides. ( cut for sensitive readers )

While he was at the vet, A and I went to a nearby mall. I had a great time hanging out with him. We bought him some shoes, two single player video games (the bribe), and one video game that we could play together. We went into Sharper Image and tried out all the massaging chairs. We ate lunch at the food court. A found some Chinese food that he pronounced not up to the quality of the dingy cafe in our neighborhood. I was glad he had not tried the Japanese sushi place.

We picked up Arnold, who was fairly good at the vet. He is up to 16.5 pounds, and has to go on a diet and a Q-tip abstinence program. However, he was dying to get out of the office, and was only mildly perky on the ride home. Once home, he slept hard the rest of the afternoon.

I joined Myspace because my husband's band is there. If you have a myspace come by and see me at  www.myspace.com/lonestarslp

The doctor explained the results of my sleep study to me. I "woke up" an average of 45.7 times per hour during the evening. Apparently, I do have sleep apnea, and I am not getting good sleep.

The next step is to try out a machine called CPAP that will help me keep my airway open while I sleep so that I don't wake up. I have go BACK TO THE LAB (not to see what's on the slab) and get one fitted. Unfortunately, I don't get to do so until June 1. But I am very psyched that it is not a mystery problem.