animated lone


For some reason, all the kids are getting out early, even though there is no ice on the ground yet. All of my clients except one canceled (all are after school kids) so I rescheduled the one, and I am at home snuggling with the dog.
  • Current Mood
    complacent complacent
animated lone

A new year

It's been over a year since I posted in LJ. I have a permanent account, so I think my journal  was just waiting for me to come out of the weirdness I've been in for a long time. Or maybe my posting is the weirdness and then I will go back to being as I was---unable to express my feelings in written form. Frozen at the point at which my thoughts are at the door of my internal home because it is cold and scary outside.

My little boy is 17 today.  His big brother did not live past the age of 16, but he would be 21 if he were alive.
  • Current Mood
    thoughtful thoughtful
animated lone

Will's Birthday

Last night we went out to dinner to celebrate Will's birthday. He would have been 20 and in college. We had a great family discussion--not about Will, but about what is going on in Andrew's life. I have also been able to remember him, cry a little, and then still look forward. I still sometimes feel the horrible aching in my heart, but Will is taken care of. I have to take care of those of us who are here.

We are all glad he was born and grateful we knew him.


(no subject)

When I was about six or seven, we rented a beach house on the coast of South Carolina to visit with my father's side of the family. I was probably the oldest child there (I was the oldest cousin by far; my brother was only four) so I relied on the adults to entertain me. My aunt brought her poodle, and the poodle entertained me by giving birth that week. The puppies were premature, and my aunt allowed me to help her take care of them. We washed them carefully in warm water and bundled them in towels, and I was so proud to be able to help. Unfortunately, I think most of the puppies did not make it. They were so very tiny, even fitting in my small hands. They were too weak to eat from their mother. But I do remember that I was glad that my aunt let me help.

My Aunt Cisi died yesterday. She was my father's sister, the only aunt I had who was not an aunt by marriage. I had not seen her since my grandmother died and I went to the funeral, pregnant with Andrew. She had been in an assisted living facility for several years because of her arthritis. I had thought of sending her a card this year. I wish I had thought of it earlier.
  • Current Mood
    melancholy melancholy
animated lone


I haven't posted in way too long. Life and responsibilities get in the way.

I have always thought of the beginning of the school year as my January 1st--the time to make changes and renew projects. My schedule at work chages so much, our schedule at home changes, so why not my ideas? Even though since WIll died I dread the slippery slope into the "Holiday Season." (I just KNOW I will see some Christmas decorations as soon as Labor Day is over!) I am making some positive planns that I hope will counter balance the commercial spirit.

I am planning a booth at my church for the Alternative Gift market to raise funds for our AED purchasing/ CPR training program. I am a Care Minister and since I joined, a group of use have worked on on a project to get AEDs and teach classes in CPR and AED use to members as well as the community. Our Alternative Gift Market is a cool opportunity to buy "gifts" for friends and family who already have too many things by donating to charities in their honor. I have been buying gifts for my family there ever since WIll died. I have given chickens and sheep from the Heifer project, a stove for people in Guatemala, and a bed from Bed Start. The Bed Start program is one for children in Plano who don't have beds to sleep in.

I also have been networking with different Heart related support groups in our area. One of them is the American Heart Association. In the past, the AHA has never been particularly interested in providing information and support to parents of children with congenital heart disease. THey are slowly trying now to reach out. Of course, there is some bad feeling out there, and parent groups who have been struggling for recognition for years are not necessarily interested in their help. However, I think we should see if we can figure out how to try and take andvantage of their rescources because they are a powerful and well known organization and they can help get some attention to the fact that CHD kills more kids that childhood cancer. The AHA headquarters is Dallas, so I am hoping I can talk to some high level honchos.

I am excited, and I hope that my slowly improving health (I survived my surgery!) can give me the energy to keeep going.
  • Current Mood
    hopeful hopeful


I'm not sure why I volunteered to teach and bring snacks on the Sunday after Andrew came home from his mission trip. I knew they were not supposed to be back until 11, and that the last HP book would be out the same day (and I would have to read it before he got home). I guess I should have remembered that they would be late. I did not get to bed until two, but I was glad I was there to see him. He was sunburned and had grown, and in his tired happiness to be home he chatted and let me hug him.

This morning the sun woke me up at six-fifteen, and the animals made sure I stayed awake to perform the morning chores. I decided to run over to the bagel store to get the snacks, and I saw two hot air ballons launching on the way, because it was a perfect morning. Andrew was home and all was right in the new world. The world without Will.
  • Current Music
    Gloria Estefan - Coming Out Of The Dark

New Flowers

Here is a picture of the new flowers we placed on Will's grave for the summer. A vast improvement  over what we found there when we arrived. (See last post for details).
  • Current Mood
    exhausted exhausted
head spin

A Perfect Half Day and Red White and Blue

Saturday, I was supposed to go across town early in the morning and pick up a free AED. However, the Company rep said he could meet me later instead AND that he could give me an extra AED to give to our Mexico mission.  He made my weekend.  Because instead of driving an hour midway between Dallas and Fort Worth, I went to lunch and to go see Spiderman 3 with the men in my life. It was the first time in many months I can remember us doing something together for that many hours in a row. 

We got to the theater early and played video games. Andrew and Bruce tried to get me a Spiderman doll, but those machines are not rigged to let you get their prizes. Andrew and Bruce played some air hockey. Surprisingly, there wasn't a line because everyone was lining up for the DLP version. Andrew ran back to the arcade while we saved him a seat, and about ten minutes later he came back with a teddy bear and a Spidey doll. What a guy!

We took summer flowers to Will's grave today--red white and blue with a flag for the summer holidays. The previous flowers were a little faded and wet from the bad storms. There was an odd looking lady bug pinwheel flag looking thing stuck in his vase, too. We have no idea who stuck that in there.  The only thing we have ever found there before has been a St. Michael card.  I feel so protective of his grave, that I really don't want people sticking things there that I don't know about. Especially people that I don't know. I guess I need to inspect it more often. 
  • Current Mood
    calm calm