June 20th, 2004

animated lone

Stages of Grief

There are said to be stages that one goes through in grief. Denial and shock are almost always mentioned. I think I have reached the denial/shock stage. When all our family were gathered around, it was quite obvious that things were not normal. I was sobbing every day. However, as everyone left, and we resumed some "normal," day to day activities, i find that I am functioning without feeling overwhelming sorrow. I feel numb, slowed and tired, and that is all. I say the words that W has died (I HATE the word 'gone,' as if he were on a trip), but it still seems unreal. Scientists say that this is the body's way of protecting someone in deep grief in order to let them come to terms with it slowly. I don't know if I like this or not, but I'm not sure what I can do about it.

I want to write about my memories and stories of W, but I can't gear myself up to do that yet.

Last night, we went to an Irish pub and heard the Corsairs sing. They were nice enough to sing Sailor's Prayer at our request. (We had played this song at W's funeral). Somehow, B and I managed to hear it without crying. They were a great group and we had a good time.

Today is Father's Day. We gave B a present earlier so that this day would not be quite so hard. He has decided he wants to start attending church. He has not wanted to be a part of a church in over 20 years. The youth choir is performing Godspell today, and I hope he does not get too upset.
animated lone

So I was wrong...

I can still cry. The church service with the kids W's age singing the familiar Godspell songs caused immediate tears. I was in much worse shape than B, who I had been worried about. During the pause for an offering, a boy said "We lift up W, who died last week and would have been a junior at PESH next year." More tears. At the end, when Jesus sings, "Oh, God, I'm dead" I cried again. Fortunately we didn't see too many people I knew.

A stepped on a screwdriver yesterday. The wound is a puncture, and did not bleed profusely, but it still hurts to walk on, so he has been hopping everywhere. I can't decide whether to take him to the doctor. We are so vulnerable to illness now, I probably should.
animated lone

Best Friends...

At least three of W's friends have remarked or written that they considered him to have been their 'best' friend. So amazing and wonderful to a mother who was rarely on the receiving end of detailed conversations with her son. It is also interesting because in a March entry in his blog, he mentions feeling that he has no best friend. How isolated we sometimes feel from one another, when there are people around us who are feeling just as lonely. And yet one rarely dares to make the leap of faith it takes to reach out, in case we are rejected.

I wish I could tell the teenagers that it gets easier to make friends as we get older, but I'm not sure that it does. I hope that I am more accepting that I was as a teenager, but I still find it difficult to maintain many friendships. And yet I appreciate them so much more at this time.

I hope my friends understand that they don't have to worry about saying the right thing or saying anything special to me. "I'm sorry" is the best thing and just being there is so very important. I hope that I make more of an effort to stay in touch with others.