August 10th, 2004

animated lone

Should I give this to A?

Dear A,

I know you are feeling a lot of things right now. Probably, you are feeling angry. You might be feeling angry:

At God for letting this happen
At your dad and me for not protecting W
At yourself for something you did when W was alive
At other people for continuing to have fun when you feel bad
At yourself for having fun even though W is dead
At me for forcing you to do things that you don't want to do just because W is dead
At me for asking you how you feel all the time
At your dad and me for not paying attention to you since you are still with us

It's ok to feel mad about all these things and other things, too. I hope you talk to someone so that you can see that these are just feelings and not necessarily the way things have to be.

I love you.

animated lone

(no subject)

We went on our regular Tuesday night visit to the grave. B brought some car detail liquid that shined up the bronze headstone very nicely. I brought some dice that W's friend had given us to stick in the vase. B wants to see if we can find some silk moonflowers for the vase.

I remember how W loved dice so much. Of course, he was always losing his dice bag and feeling tortured because he could not find it. He loved to go to game stores and see the different types. His favorite T shirt was a takeoff on the got milk? ads--a black shirt with got dice? in white.

A former church counselor of W's told me that on the day of W's death, he was out of town in a game store and he was telling his son about how he knew a kid that probably had all the dice that they were looking at. "I loved W," he told me. I'm so glad he did.