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Stagnant Pond Day

Well, I remarked to someone recently that grief was like a river, while depression was like a stagnant pond. Bad day today--it was a bit like a lake of lava actually.

Saturday B and I drove to Arkansas to pick A up from his grandmother's house. The drive there was much harder than I had imagined it would be. I had not remembered how much I daydreamed during these 4.5 hour drives. Usually my daydreams were pleasant fantasies about the future. But I could not not stop thinking about W instead. I don't think too much about the future these days. I was pretty upset by the time we got there, but managed to pull myself together for the rest of the day. We had a nice time visiting with B.'s parents and seeing Andrew. On the way home today, I didn't ruminate quite as much, but I was having chest pains and generally not feeling well.

We got home and I generally fell apart. Something minor went wrong, and I became extremely angry. Finally I ran up to W's room and hugged on one of his stuffed animals. I started sobbing uncontrollably and B came up to see me. "He's not here!" I cried, as if I expected to see W when I came home today. Who knows, maybe I did.

Later, I realized that I had not taken my medication for a couple of days. That would explain the anger. So I took a pill.

Before medication and therapy, I used to have obsessive thoughts about knives and cutting myself. Over the weekend, I began having obsessive thoughts about W saying Mom, I love you. Weird. I hope it doesn't go away with the meds.


( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
Jul. 4th, 2004 09:03 pm (UTC)
that sounds like an ordeal, all those hours to think in the car. (i tend to be obsessive/compulsive, more or less depending on my stress level, so i know what that kind of thinking feels like.) i'm sorry about all the pain. it doesn't seem likely to me, though, that the meds will take away your assurance of W's love.
Jul. 5th, 2004 04:10 am (UTC)
Sounds rough. I'm glad you were able to get through the weekend in good order. I'm also glad you realized to take your meds. It's not been that long since June, and it will be a bit longer, yet.

Jul. 5th, 2004 04:49 am (UTC)

I was on your friend's list many months ago. You were inactive for a long time and figured you abandoned your journal and so I "unfriended" you in a friend's list housecleaning type thing. But you were still on the list as friending me.

So on a whim tonight I checked and learned of the loss of your son. I am so sorry and hope your grief lessens as time passes. I can't imagine the pain and only hope things can get better.

I apologize for "friend cleaning" and refriended you. Hope you don't mind too much.

Your friend, Dante

[Edit: I actually posted this on some earlier post last night by mistake]
Jul. 5th, 2004 04:06 pm (UTC)
No need to apologize. I had pretty much abandoned the journal, because I was incredibly busy and too exhausted at the end of the day to write. I started again because I needed a place to record my feelings. I'm glad it was still here for me, and I'm glad you visited again and decided to stick around, since the new subjects are so painful.
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )