Ann (lonestarslp) wrote,

Stagnant Pond Day

Well, I remarked to someone recently that grief was like a river, while depression was like a stagnant pond. Bad day today--it was a bit like a lake of lava actually.

Saturday B and I drove to Arkansas to pick A up from his grandmother's house. The drive there was much harder than I had imagined it would be. I had not remembered how much I daydreamed during these 4.5 hour drives. Usually my daydreams were pleasant fantasies about the future. But I could not not stop thinking about W instead. I don't think too much about the future these days. I was pretty upset by the time we got there, but managed to pull myself together for the rest of the day. We had a nice time visiting with B.'s parents and seeing Andrew. On the way home today, I didn't ruminate quite as much, but I was having chest pains and generally not feeling well.

We got home and I generally fell apart. Something minor went wrong, and I became extremely angry. Finally I ran up to W's room and hugged on one of his stuffed animals. I started sobbing uncontrollably and B came up to see me. "He's not here!" I cried, as if I expected to see W when I came home today. Who knows, maybe I did.

Later, I realized that I had not taken my medication for a couple of days. That would explain the anger. So I took a pill.

Before medication and therapy, I used to have obsessive thoughts about knives and cutting myself. Over the weekend, I began having obsessive thoughts about W saying Mom, I love you. Weird. I hope it doesn't go away with the meds.

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