I have been given an assignment from my grief class to read a book called Grief Recovery by Larry Yeagley. It lists four tasks for the grieving process:
Accepting the reality of the loss (ok, I think I have done that)
Being willing to experience the pain (I have been feeling enough of it)
Moving back into the familiar environment associated with the person who is gone (I am still living at home, of course, but I do avoid W's room and his car)
I know I am nowhere near ready to say goodbye. I am still not comfortable thinking about the future, because I am still trying to survive in the here and now.
Here are the four steps that you are supposed to do regularly:
THINK about the person who died and about the experience of the death and your relationship
WRITE about your feelings
TALK about your feelings
These are hard steps, and I can't take all of them every day. I hope I will try to write more often. It's odd how I talk about W so much to friends, but it is mostly about memories of him to compare to other's experiences, common parenting woes such as school and girls. I sometimes talk about the defibrillator work. I rarely mention anything that will make me cry, even to my therapist. I guess I am so afraid of breaking down.
I really don't want to have a big breakdown six months from now either. I see the women in the group and they are farther along than me and crying so much harder. Perhaps I am still in shock. I really don't know.