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I have decided to take the day off on June 8. Just imagining writing that date on therapy notes was enough to make me tear up. I will find something to do, but it won't be at work. So what if I cry all day? Maybe I need to.

At the dentist, I discovered that I have been clenching my teeth, and I have worn through a crown and broken two fillings, and I need a second crown. This means 3 dental visits and 2500 dollars. Bleah.

****Mood swing***

I have a new personal trainer. His name is Ahnold. We do mild aerobics every morning and evening. He also helps with upper body strength by providing a counter weight.

Thanks to everyone who commented on my sweet doggy. I noticed many more comments on his picture than that of my husband. Don't worry honey, I still love you.


( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
May. 27th, 2005 02:57 pm (UTC)
I think...
This is a wise decision:
"I have decided to take the day off on June 8."
I am 12 years past the event and I'm really very OK after all of this time but on a couple of days a year, St Patrick's Day, when she died and June 18 which is her birthday... I am still a "basket case".

On the little dog...
He is adorable and I can tell by how you write about him that he is very good medicine for you right now. (Wasn't he supposed to be something for your son?) I love dogs. I have 4, lost a pup a while ago, so I have had 5. Three of mine are very large and mostly guard my life out here in the middle of "Nowhere, OK". The 5th is a MinPin that I rescued from euthanasia and who looks a lot like your "Ahnold" only black. He yaps with the most irritating high pitched sound that drives me crazy. The experts are correct about a yappy little dog being the best security there is. He is so damned smart that he is always trying to anticipate my behavior and even tries to tell me when it's time to go to bed! I have begun to really resent his efforts to try to outsmart me. So I am glad you have a dog that fills your needs, but I cannot muster up much enthusiasm for him all the same.

As for your husband... He's just another "pretty face" until you actually tell us something about him. He seems an acceptable enough sort.

If you read any of my journal you may know that I have been married 3 times, mostly "my bad" for making stupid decisions for my life. I tend to be a male-basher because of my own experiences and if I call a man something other than a "duck" it's a compliment.

My heart does go out to yours right now, though. I learned from the early grieving process that in a lot of ways, losing a child is much harder on the father because he has to operate under some societal pressure NOT to show his pain.

Smart move not working on "the day". Know that I will be praying for you, as will many of my other grieving parent friends. June is not our favorite month anyway. We have lots of anniversaries in common in June. Hang on, it's a emotional roller coaster ride for the first few years. It does get some better... but not real quickly.
May. 27th, 2005 07:45 pm (UTC)
Thanks for the insight! I have been debating with myself about this--is it better to pretend it's just another day, or acknowledge it will be difficult. I have decided I will need some cry time, and my clients don't need to be subjected to that. My husband does not even want to mention the day in the vain hope he can pretend it doesn't exist.
May. 27th, 2005 11:52 pm (UTC)
My two cents...
There is no "rule" on this. Some days you expect to be awful just don't live up to your expectation amd then...

I had one day about 3 years after Jo died when I was storing winter clothes and encountered her favorite blue flannel shirt and just dissolved into hysterical tears on the floor for abour three hours. I fell asleep there. I think for me it was the moment when I really admitted to myself that she was ever, ever coming back. In my subconscious up until then I was sort of waiting for her to suddeny burst through the back door and announce, "Mummy! I'm home." I never knew this consciously but there was always this feeling... like waiting for the other shoe to drop.

What I do is acknowledge that an upcoming date "might" be difficult and plan an easy one just in case. The whole deal is so stressful that the odds are you need a day off anyway.
have been debating with myself about this--is it better to pretend it's just another day,
In my book, it is rarely good to pretend anything. I had one day when I just went into the bank to make a deposit and the teller just said, "How are you?" and I just dissolved again. That's never fun in a public place but if you bnury the feelings they are most likely to surface at the most inconvenient or embarrassing places. What I finally did was to set aside a few hours about once a month to just sit by myself, usually in her room, and listen to her favorite music and look at her photos. It was my appoionted crying time. I found it was safer to make an appointment and get it out of my system on a regular bases. I did that for more than the first year.

Have you considered looking into GriefNet? (www.griefnet.org)I learned so many tricks of this trade there and made some lifetime friends there with whom I can talk freely about my "dead kid" without worrying about making others uncomfortable. Have you noticed yet that some people are very uncomfortable around you yet? They don't know what to say or how to deal with you and they're so afraid of doing or saying the wrong thing that they tend to avoid you? We jokingly call them "civilians".
My husband does not even want to mention the day in the vain hope he can pretend it doesn't exist.
Husbands have a much more difficult time with it all. It just isn't manly to grieve. Griefnet, again, has a special group just for men. They seem to be better able to talk to other men about it.

My man was OK with the grief thing but he had this big problem because he felt it was his job to fix my pain and he couldn't. That really screwed his head up a bit for a while.

IMHO, talking about it the answer to surviving it... Hope this helps some. Feel free to ask me anything. I am the self appointed guru on the subject. I make it a point to say things like "dead kid" just so you'll know that I'm not uncomfortable with anything you need to say, like when you get so pissed off at your kid for leaving you that you'd kill him if it hadn't already happened. We all do that eventually... and feel so gulty for feeling this way. It's normal!
( 3 comments — Leave a comment )